"December 30th, 2004"
A New Years Message sent in and shared by Daniel Leach
Class of Summer 56.....
I want to thank all of you who have
taken the time and trouble to send
me your damn chain letters over the past
year. Thank you for making
me feel safe, secure, blessed, and
Because of your concern...
I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it
can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since
the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to
put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer drink anything out of a can
because I will get sick from
the rat feces and urine.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the
microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay
phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants
even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day. I
no longer go to shopping malls because
someone will drug me with a perfume
sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or
FedEx since they are actually
Al Qaeda in disguise. I no
longer shop at Target since they are
French and don't support our American
I no longer answer the phone because
someone will ask me to dial a
stupid number for which I will get the
phone bill from hell with calls
to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and
I no longer eat pre-packaged foods because
the estrogens they contain
will turn me gay. I no longer
eat KFC because their chickens are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no
eyes or feathers.
I no longer date the opposite sex because
they will take my kidneys
and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub
full of ice.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that
will change once I receive
my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from
Neiman Marcus since I now have their
I no longer worry about my soul because I
have 363,214 angels looking
out for me and St Theresa's novena has
granted my every wish.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God
only answers my prayers if I
forward an email to seven of my friends
and make a wish within five
minutes. (Jeeze, the BIBLE did not mention
it works that way!)
I no longer have any savings because I
gave it to a sick girl who is
about to die in the hospital (for the
I no longer have any money at all, but
that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are
sending me for participating in
their special e-mail program.
Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo
much for looking out for me!
I will now return the favor. If
you don't send this e-mail to at
least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds,
a large bird with diarrhea
will crap on your head at 5:00 pm this
afternoon and the fleas of a
thousand camels will infest your
I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of a
friend of a friend's neighbor's cousin